A while back, I wrote that I was having trouble navigating a friendship that I felt had the potential to be really important and a valuable part of my life. Sadly, through a misperception and what I would consider fear, that friendship has been put on hiatus.
Every day in my interactions with people, especially people that I either have to have a continuing relationship with, or desire to have a continuing relationship with, I examine my initial reactions to them. What is the motivation behind it, what are my hidden agendas? Sometimes there is an agenda, sometimes there isn’t.
I tend to be a really enthusiastic person. I like letting people know that they are important, that I like them, and that I am holding space for them. I used to be afraid to do that, afraid that my feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated, that I wasn’t someone that was desirable enough for others to want my friendship, or worse, that people would fake friendship just to hurt me in the end. What an ego! Of course I didn’t see it that way then. Everything in my world was colored by fear.
I don’t do that anymore. I consciously make sure that I don’t let fear color my world. It’s a battle, one that I win with myself more and more consistently. I love not second guessing other people and being able to trust. It still doesn’t come completely naturally, and sometimes I get hurt, but my life is so much more joyful and I attract much happier people.
I don’t know how to redirect or even try to retain this friendship that held so much potential and I mourn that opportunity to know a fascinating, interesting womon with a mind that goes places that constantly challenged and intrigued me, but time passes, people change, and maybe our paths will cross again. If not, I did gain much from the short friendship and I will celebrate that.