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Posts Tagged ‘PS’

A while back, I wrote that I was having trouble navigating a friendship that I felt had the potential to be really important and a valuable part of my life.  Sadly, through a misperception and what I would consider fear, that friendship has been put on hiatus.

Every day in my interactions with people, especially people that I either have to have a continuing relationship with, or desire to have a continuing relationship with, I examine my initial reactions to them.  What is the motivation behind it, what are my hidden agendas?  Sometimes there is an agenda, sometimes there isn’t.

I tend to be a really enthusiastic person.  I like letting people know that they are important, that I like them, and that I am holding space for them.  I used to be afraid to do that, afraid that my feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated, that I wasn’t someone that was desirable enough for others to want my friendship, or worse, that people would fake friendship just to hurt me in the end.  What an ego!  Of course I didn’t see it that way then.  Everything in my world was colored by fear.

I don’t do that anymore.  I consciously make sure that I don’t let fear color my world.  It’s a battle, one that I win with myself more and more consistently.   I love not second guessing other people and being able to trust.  It still doesn’t come completely naturally, and sometimes I get hurt, but my life is so much more joyful and I attract much happier people.

I don’t know how to redirect or even try to retain this friendship that held so much potential and I mourn that opportunity to know a fascinating, interesting womon with a mind that goes places that constantly challenged and intrigued me, but time passes, people change, and maybe our paths will cross again.  If not, I did gain much from the short friendship and I will celebrate that.

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Stuff and NaNoWriMo

I have had seven things that have been hanging over my head for over a month to take care of. Things that involve other people. Today, I took care of four of them and it feels great. Hopefully, I can take care of two more today, and the last will be gravy. Problem is, I can’t seem to get to sleep. I hate that.

I’m having trouble navigating a stretch of friendship with someone. She’s going through some stuff and being newish friends, I want to be supportive and yet not overwhelming with the support. Not sure how to do that. I tend to be rather enthusiastic in my interactions with people. Added in that this is a long distance friend who is really, really private. I’m thinking I will simply do what I would do with any other person I care about and if it’s not the support she needs or wants, she’ll let me know. And I will tone down my caregiving enthusiasm if need be.

I have decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. Hopefully I will come out on November 30 with a completed novel and my sanity. I have no story to tell, but I write well and I’m sure something will come of this. Maybe I’ll find out that I really have something to say after all.

Reading for today: Mousetraps by Schmatz, The Arsonist’s Guide to Writer’s Homes in New England by Clarke

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Have you ever thought about what you would be doing, where you would be living, what would be your priority if you could stop, think, and choose what your life would be like? Have you ever wondered how you got on the track that you were on? Have you ever come to a place where you realized that you don’t have to be on that track anymore? Welcome to my world.

When I was 23, I became pregnant with my fabulous son. I was at a low point in my life, homeless, sleeping on a pool table in the back of a bar and completely without focus. When I got pregnant, I decided that my child would never know this poverty or way of life. By the time he was three, I had gotten my bachelor’s, a teaching license, built a new house in the suburbs, bought a brand new car and was on a career track. For the past 22 years, I have lived that suburban life. I have been an amazing teacher, connecting with children that have been regarded as “really tough.” I have raised and supported my son in the way that I thought I was supposed to, in an upper middle class, socially liberal, socially responsible way.

But I have always known that I was sacrificing me for what was best for him. For the past few months, I have been working on my intentions and what it means to live an intentional life. I have been evaluating my priorities and passions and looking at how I could incorporate them into my life in a meaningful way. I have kept coming back to “when I can afford this,” or “when I retire, I can…”

Last weekend I went to visit someone that I had had a really deep connection with at Fest. The connection I felt with her is a topic for someplace much more private, but the connection I felt with that land and the way she has been able to structure her life to not just incorporate her passion, but support it as her main focus hit me in the solar plexus and took my breath away. I love, love, love her land, the feel of her space, and the peace of that very rural area. It really wouldn’t matter if she lived there or not – the space felt like Home to me. It felt like Home, Fest Home. And I was hit with the realization that now is the time to take that for myself. I no longer support a child, I have no one to take care of but me and I don’t want to waste it in the vestiges of the remains of the life I created to support him. It was as if my higher power had wanted me to know the possibility didn’t have to be abstract. It can be real, it is real for others and I am certainly capable enough to make it real for me.

And so I have started the active process of leaving this life for another. One that supports my soul, nurtures me and my environment every day, is hard, and beautiful, and worth every minute that I am privileged to experience it. I don’t know where I will land, but it sure won’t be the suburbs. Wow.

Music for today: Mary Gauthier (miss you in Boston), Natalie Imbruglia, Kinnie Starr, Gretchen Phillips, Van Morrison, Little Feat

Reading for today: The Sparrow by Russell, Cavedweller by Allison, and Fledgling by Butler

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Back, but not Home

I arrived here at my domicile in the wee hours of Friday morning. It feels so sad to leave my home, which I can only be at for three weeks a year. I just thank the Goddess for that time. My time Home was, as is always the case, intense, crazed, loving, healing, uplifting, spirit soaring, and simply beautiful. Being home is, as a friend of mine said to me, “a place where I live to the outer edges of my skin.” (Thanks, Pat) It is a place where every cell of myself remembers back to a time when all womon lived like this and love, respect, and compassion were the norm. The experiences I have had this year stir in my brain and keep me from relating to this “outside world” where time is linear, people judge, and very few recognize their own beauty. I noticed myself today not walking as tall and flowingly as I had just two days ago… how easily those defenses come to settle back in.

I keep being reminded of Home in a myriad of ways, though – already the emails, phone calls, and messages on the boards have started to come in and keep me aware that my sisters are everywhere and that we hold that space in our hearts while the Land holds it in its physicality, waiting, waiting for us to come together again.

The womyn are amazing and the reminder that I am a part of this is so very special. I’ve made a connection with one really special womon this year that has the potential to become very important to me. Not sure in what way that will happen, but I do admire her – the way she moves through her life on the land, her ethics, and her moral compass. Oh, and did I mention that she has the sexiest mind I’ve ever had the opportunity to explore? It will be interesting to see how that translates into this world – given the lack of humanity out here. It can be brutal to move through this world and keep the shared vision that we have for it. It is often a cruel slap in the face to react with honesty and openness to something – only to be ridiculed for expressing interest.

These first few days back are often exhausting just in the effort to put meaning behind meaningless things. On the other hand, I am also so very alive and excited and not really at all depressed. I couldn’t live without what I receive there and come back so committed to bringing it to everyone I know for as long as I can. Hopefully for the whole year.

I have danced

I have sung

I have walked the land as a beautiful womon

I have participated happily in consentual objectification

I have cried and been held

I have lived

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