Bless my child’s heart. Keep a lookout for his safety. Let him have enough food and shelter in a storm. But not at my house. Never again at my house.
There is such a mixed feeling involved in relationships that are abusive. More than that, when the abuser is your own child, there is guilt, shame, responsibility, anger, helplessness, even this weird sense of sympathy and a need to justify why your child had to do what they did – make it understandable or something.
My son has been homeless since last Christmas, when I had to have him leave my home for stealing from me. He’s been back twice when he needed a place to sleep. The first time, we had had 8 inches of rain and I did feel so bad for him. It’s so hard for a mother. I never know where he is, and unless he posts on Facebook, I don’t even know if he is okay. So when he called, after almost three months, I was so grateful that I let him in. Evidently, so he could case the joint.
I should have known better. My son does not have a good track record in my world. He has stolen from me for the past five years. We go on and off; he appears to hit bottom, comes to me for help, starts to make progress toward where he wants to be, then something happens and it all falls apart within days. And in those days, my stuff goes missing.
It makes me feel like a callous, unfeeling mother that I cannot allow him in my home ever again. Not, at least, without tangible changes in his world. But I am so tired of feeling victimized. I think I’ve learned finally, at last, that where he is right now is not in a place where he can even consider others. He is so desperate to fill his own needs. (Okay, this is me trying to justify where he is.) The truth of the matter is that in this moment, the child I raised and tried to instill a deeper truth and sense of purpose in, that I love with my whole heart, is a thief. And he doesn’t care who he steals from. And I have to somehow let him go, with love and compassion, but even minimal support must end.
How will I get through this? It’s not so much the gone stuff, it’s the deliberate saying ‘no’ to his infrequent requests for help. It’s having all this love that spills out just for him that cannot be manifested in the normal ways we show people we love them. It’s the pain of crying every night that your child is so lost and you are so helpless. I can’t even offer him shelter in a storm.
And it’s always that unanswerable question – why?