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Posts Tagged ‘manifestation’

house for saleA couple of years ago, I wrote a post called Leaving This Life.  It was about really examining where you are, who you are and whether or not the compromises you’ve made in your life have taken you so far from your intended path that you aren’t able to fully live as the person you know yourself to be.  It was a post full of joy and wonder, excitement and self-awareness.  It was a call to change – not just change –  intentional change.

Well, it’s been two years now, and the thing that strikes me is that while I haven’t moved as quickly as I thought I would have, I have stayed committed to bringing together my surroundings, social views, relationships and personal integrity in a way that reflects me as I understand myself in this moment.  Key words: in this moment.  I’ll get back to that. 

Being deliberate and thoughtful about what I want and need, really weeding out what I thought others wanted and needed from/around me, has been a really long process.  I know that I am a people pleaser.  What I didn’t realize is how deeply that is ingrained in me.  How I actually try to anticipate a desire and have it ready, which paints a false image of who I am.  In examining what I want, I was really torn – over and over again.  Not by anyone’s expectations or desires, but my perceptions of these things.  I really had no idea that I had so few concrete knowings of what I want.  I have many concrete knowings of what I don’t want, but it’s actually taken two years to come up with wants.  Funny how we can know another’s desire, but not our own.

Along the way, there have been distractions and derails from making forward progress, but even for those, I have to be grateful – patience isn’t my strongest suit.  So the gift of being prevented from jumping before I really, really thought is one I have to thank the Goddess for.

So, I am moving out of the suburbs.  I am not moving to a rural area as I had thought I would.  I don’t ever want to mow a lawn, shovel snow, pick a weed, maintain anything ever again.  I am moving into a city.  A small city, that is vibrant and eclectic and has reasonable rents.  It is also very pedestrian friendly.  And I am manifesting an apartment  by water and in a park.  With a washer and dryer in the apartment.  Because when I looked at myself, and my personal needs, without considering anyone else, I rediscovered some things.  Valuable things and silly things – things I like and things I want to reframe.

As I start the packing and culling process, I am amazed at the ways I have changed.  This is where I get back to that “in this moment” thing.  I have found, stored in boxes, hanging on hangers in the back of the closet, in the way back corners of the kitchen cabinets, in the titles of the books on my shelves, the vestiges of who I was in a moment and was sure would never change.  So funny! 

So, I’m intentionally trying to leave room in this process for the unexpected.  I don’t want to lock in to any one idea or belief about myself and set up my world around that.  It’s taken me 24 years to recognize and extricate myself from the box I put myself in, in my early twenties, I sure don’t want to do it again! 

Music for Today:  Changer and the Changed – Chris Williamson; Only Thing That Stays the Same – Indigo Girls; Me and Julio – Simon and Garfunkel; Follow Me – Sarah Bettens

Reading: The Bachelor Brothers’ Bed and Breakfast Pillow Book – Bill Richardson

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I have a friend who is adopted.  She and I have talked about her internal struggle with ‘having to feel grateful’ to her adoptive family for adopting her.  The thing is, her childhood was wonderful, she was loved deeply, and her (in her mind) special status was never an issue, never used as a weapon against her, either subtly or overtly.  But she did have interests and personality traits that ended up being very, very different from the rest of her family.  She’s got some concerns that she’s not girly enough, that being gay has let them down.

I lead with this because she and I have also had a few talks about reincarnation.  We both believe that we meet the beings that are important to us over and over again with each successive life.  Those beings may be a lover in one life, a best friend in another, an influential teacher in yet another.  When I brought up that they could also be our parents, and that we choose, even in infancy, where we will be and who we will be most influenced by, this was a new thought to her.  The next logical thought that she then didn’t need to feel gratitude for being “chosen” by them – that she, in fact, had been the chooser was pretty radical.

When I look back at my life and the beings that have been most influential, I find myself with a bit of confusion.   If I apply my belief system to the fullest, it means that my abuser is really a being who has been important to me in past lives.  Or maybe that being is trying to learn some lesson (that, in my opinion, they have obviously failed at in this life) and I for some reason volunteered to play a part in that.  What is my life lesson here?  What am I sent to learn?  Did we preordain that this would happen?  Would someone else have stepped in to provide trauma to my childhood had this not happened?  Is this karma or is it about a sentient being trying to learn some important truth?

Okay, I’m totally rambling here.  I’m preferring to believe that I am a sentient being, occupying this body to learn some specific lessons, and that the others who are important to me have volunteered to step in and guide me to where I need to be.  Hmmmm – that doesn’t sound all that right either – it smacks of forgiving my abuser and realizing he is on some learning path, too.  I’m not sure I want to do that.

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I just couldn’t sit back and not claim my proud space as one of the anonymous pathetic bloggers who have garnered the dislike and active hatred of Sarah Palin. 

Yep, the election is over.  Nope, she doesn’t really matter any more.  And yet…  I think she has a political savvy.  Or at least takes instruction well.  She’s (or her keepers are) trying to keep herself in the spotlight for the future and at the same time, trying to cast herself as a victim, a pawn who was used for her political inexperience.  A woman who is trying to convince us that now she has experience and should have spoken out sooner with her homespun, this is how a household budget works, wisdom.

What I don’t want to forget is why I disliked her so much when she was running for vice-president.  She is disingenuous.  She makes rash decisions. (Like flying home to a small hospital after her water broke during a high risk pregnancy.)  She puts her own political future ahead of her family.  (Like forcing/allowing her 16 year old to marry when she became pregnant.)  She turns on a dime according to the political winds.  (Like the Alaskan oil fields.)  Oh, and she talks funny.

I know this is a stupid rant and not timely at all.  It certainly is not born of any of the qualities that I aspire to always live.  I want to be a womon of strength who maintains her inner peace and non-judgemental aura at all times.  Sadly, I feel this woman threatens that. And I allow it.   Well, actually, the idea of her ever having real power threatens that.  Which means I have a piece of fear that I need to examine.  Is it this woman?  No, not really.  I think it has to do with the dawning of real hope that I am having for my country.

At last, after a period of time that is as long as my students can remember, our country is on the cusp of being truly powerful.  Powerful in the sense of truth, integrity, and compassion.  People like Sarah Palin threaten that.  Small-minded, power-hungry, self-aggrandizing and cheap. 

I can see that I need to pray.  For Sarah, for those who live in fear, and for myself, to let go, allow the Goddess to do her work, and to simply trust.  It always works for me.

So, there’s the end of my rant.  The next post will be back to regular programming, I promise!

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I realize that many of my friends don’t blog and this would preclude them from participating.  Most, however, do Facebook or MySpace.  So for the purposes of the following, consider any thing that you contribute to (like Facebook or MySpace) and that people can comment on, a blog.  Oh, btw, I make incredible handmade things!  Just sayin’!

The idea of the exchange is I will send a handmade gift to the first three people who leave a comment on this blog post requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet, and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog – this means you must have a blog, sorry blogless readers.

I saw this on another blogger’s blog almost a full year ago.  I left a comment and posted the above on a blog I don’t use anymore and forgot about it.  My other blog was not that well known and only got two responses.  I fulfilled my end of the deal with them.  Now, I’ve received an email from the original woman who I commented to.  She’s ready to send me her PIF.  I am so excited!  As a matter of fact, I’m so excited that I am reposting here.

Only I will send something to the first six who leave a comment and promise to play.

Love to you all!

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Okay, first off, there’s been a ton of snow here and you know it’s bad when you post a large sign on your front door that says, “Will pay for shoveling” and no one comes to make some money.  On a Sunday.  When the kids don’t have anything better going on.  So, I went out and shoveled my own stuff.  While I was shoveling, I was remembering back about a hundred shovels ago, when this winter started and how accomplished I felt when I had the shoveling done.  I relished the task.  Now, it’s hard to get up that kind of enthusiasm.  But I did start to remember to be here now and to shovel with intent.  I shoveled the walkway and porch with the mail lady in mind, knowing how grateful she would be to have a safe space to walk.  Walking on ice makes your back hurt even if you don’t fall, because you’re always tensed up for it anyway.  I purposely made easy access space for the garbage pickup guys, who must hate their jobs in the snow.  And I practiced gratitude that I can do this thing, and when no one answered my sign, I wasn’t shut in and helpless.  Shoveling the snow – with intent.  Hmmm.  Something new every day.

And now to the manifestation.  I try to manifest things in my life all the time and it’s not unusual to receive what I want.  It kind of seems matter of fact, now.  Common place.  A few months ago, I picked up my figurative pen and started writing seriously.  I put it to the Goddess that I would like to be an active part of a writing community.  On Friday, I received an invitation to join a small, rather exclusive writing group.  I met the woman who started it at NaNoWriMo and mentioned to her that I would be interested in joining them when they had an opening.  She was really honest, saying that there were a few people who were “ahead of me” and that it could be as long as a year.  They are exclusive in that they work hard to keep the group small, with personalities that mesh well, and they don’t often open it up for new people, because they want to build a safe space to share in.  I like the woman who runs it and I’m sure I will like the others in the group. Writing styles range from chick lit to inspirational, with everything in between.  Oh , and they want a commitment that you will bring some writing you are working on to each meeting.  Another validation that I’m really a writer.  I guess the next step is to get something published!

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